Can Women Who Were Raped Want to Have Sex Again?
Just a heads up, this story contains detail of sexual assault.
"It's almost comical to say … I can't hold anything that'due south the shape of a dick.
"I can't agree a glue stick in my right hand. I tin can't hold a assistant or my steering wheel."
Kelly (surname withheld to protect privacy) was date raped at 25 and it wasn't her first assault. At eighteen, a guy she'd met at a nightclub forced her to give him a hand job with her correct manus.
He was the third guy she'd ever kissed.
"The only actually adept thing that I ever took away from information technology was that I probably saved myself from actually getting raped that night," she says.
For women like Kelly, learning to be intimate after sexual set on can be a psychological minefield.
Kelly told her story to the ABC podcast Ladies, We Need to Talk, and equally yous'd await, this story is pretty heavy with details of sexual abuse and trauma.
One in 5 Australian women over the historic period of 15 have experienced sexual violence and i.iv million Australians have lived through babyhood sexual abuse.
If yous're dealing with the fallout of sexual assault, how practise yous pick up the pieces and be intimate once more?
"I didn't have sex for three years. Honestly, I was like, you lot know what? I'll never do information technology again considering I am terrified," Kelly says.
Kelly's ii assaults have left her "completely scarred" — she's never had sex sober, but has slept with people since her assaults.
"The outset fourth dimension [I] had sex, I probably cried for the next 36 hours," she says.
"And and then the side by side fourth dimension I would've cried for two hours and and so after that, I cried while we had sex."
Being intimate after sexual assault
Ellie Freedman is the medical director of a sexual assault service in Sydney.
Each year, she sees hundreds of women like Kelly who've been through sexual assault.
Dr Freedman hesitates to say women ever "go over" a sexual assail only believes disclosing what you've been through to a sexual partner is an important first footstep.
"Women may non exist able to discuss the details of the assault, merely to at least say to a partner, 'This is something that happened to me' … to be able to say something like 'Sex isn't great correct at present, but I would like to get in amend'," she says.
Setting a goal to work towards tin likewise help.
"Maybe the goal is non crying during sexual practice or maybe being able to consummate a sexual human action without asking to stop," Dr Freedman says.
"Maybe it'southward getting undressed. It tin exist really pocket-size or actually big things."
Eleven years on from her outset assail, Kelly now takes antidepressants for PTSD and depressive symptoms.
Concluding year, when Kelly started dating once more, she congenital the courage to tell her sexual partner about her assaults.
"I was like, 'Mind, I demand to be really honest, because this could get pear-shaped'," she says.
"Fortunately for me, he was caring enough to exist like, 'That'southward OK. Allow'due south talk nearly it'."
Touching a penis notwithstanding feels impossible for Kelly. She also experiences panic attacks if she accidentally uses her right hand to drive her motorcar.
But she'due south determined to go past it.
"If I let that be a problem, I'll never be enough for everyone, so what I need to do is only be really open about information technology and say: 'Listen if that's going to be a trouble, permit'due south cull it correct here. Nosotros won't get any further. Because that's who I am'."
How our brains store trauma
Lauren Moulds is a psychologist who deals with many women who've been sexually assaulted.
She says navigating intimacy afterwards the fact is specially challenging due to how our brains shop trauma.
If we experience a similar environment to an assail, whether that be what we saw, heard or smelt, it can often trigger incredibly painful memories.
"Our brain then has problem remembering whether the trauma is happening now or whether it happened in the by," Dr Moulds says.
Building trust while being patient
People feel sexual assault trauma differently, which can make assistance complex.
"It'south most being willing to trust once again, because that's oftentimes what'south eroded," Dr Moulds says.
In Dr Moulds' experience, the first step is working out what feels healthy, while existence very patient with your body.
It's all near "feeling safe with that person" and building psychological or emotional intimacy.
The second step is recognising there's no pressure to jump into having sex right away and instead thinking about opportunities where yous can build intimacy.
"If eventually you get to a point where y'all feel like you lot tin be sexually intimate with somebody once more, slap-up. Simply that's not something that's expected of you or something you lot have to rush into directly away," Dr Moulds says.
Communicating and asserting sexual boundaries using rubber words can also be useful.
"It's about having a conversation as openly as we can well-nigh what feels good for them and what feels good for you," Dr Moulds says.
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Enjoying sexual practice subsequently set on is possible
Enjoying sexual practice after sexual attack may seem like an insurmountable feat — but Chantel (proper name changed to protect privacy), who was sexually abused as a child, now manages a salubrious sex life with her long-term partner.
Chantel was abused by a family fellow member. She was five or six when it started. Her abuser called it a "game" and it started in the bathroom.
"Information technology was to push myself out of the water every bit far as I could," she says.
"So, you put your arms back and yous lift yourself up and run into how high yous tin can go.
"That game very apace turned into … he would endeavour oral sexual practice on me. And that just patently progressed."
Chantel experiences complex PTSD and daily migraines from her abuse, and when she started being in an intimate relationship, there were many things she couldn't do.
Sex oftentimes meant flashbacks of her abuser'southward face and oral sex was "out of the question".
Just years on, Chantel has two children and a long-term partner.
"I'm more than happy to initiate sex on a daily basis … information technology'due south and then freeing to be able to accept complete command over my torso and what pleasure it'southward able to experience," she says.
For Chantel, communicating her boundaries and sexual preferences is key to enjoying sex activity.
"Simply say he'southward touching my breasts and it's not feeling so correct … I'll say no, and I'll move his hands away. And he listens to that," she says.
"The fact that he really does heed to me throughout the experience ways that over time he'south gotten to know me and he knows when to impact me and when non to bear on me.
"And I tin can connect with my husband and I can now make eye contact. And it's a really, really great experience."
Posted , updated
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Source: https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/having-sex-again-after-sexual-assault/11531776
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